Living a Lie

I've known atheists who kept their disbelief to themselves, for fear of losing their business, their family, their friends - or maybe just because it would upset the in-laws. Plenty of people keep their disbelief a secret from parents, for fear of upsetting them. But I've also known parents who keep it hidden from their children, regularly attending church - and taking their children to Sunday School - because they think their kids will have it easier as part of the overwhelming majority in this country, though they may not believe a bit of it themselves.

This is probably difficult enough, but how much harder would it be for a pastor, a preacher, a priest who lost his faith? Admitting your disbelief would mean losing your job - no minor problem, especially when you have experience doing nothing else - and maybe your family, your friends, even your house.

Here's a study by Daniel C. Dennett and Linda LaScola about Preachers who are not Believers. My quotes are from the study itself, though I learned about it from this post on Jerry A. Coyne's blog, Why Evolution Is True. Note that Coyne's comments are very perceptive (as usual), and illustrated with excerpts from the study. Plus, it's a lot shorter than the 28-page report (but the report is fascinating, if you've got the time to read it). Like Coyne, I was struck by this quote from a 50-year-old Southern Baptist minister:

“OK, this God created me. It’s a perfect God that knows everything; can do anything. And somehow it got messed up, and it’s my fault. So he had to send his son to die for me to fix it. And he does. And now I’m supposed to beat myself to death the rest of my life over it. It makes no sense to me. Don’t you think a God could come up with a better plan than that?”

“What kind of personality; what kind of being is this that had to create these other beings to worship and tell him how wonderful he is? That makes no sense, if this God is all-knowing and all-wise and all-wonderful. I can’t comprehend that that’s what kind of person God is.”

“Every church I’ve been in preached that the Jonah in the Whale story is literally true. And I’ve never believed that. You mean to tell me a human was in the belly of that whale? For three days? And then the whale spit him out on the shoreline? And, of course, their convenient logic is, ‘Well, God can do anything.’”

“Well, I think most Christians have to be in a state of denial to read the Bible and believe it. Because there are so many contradicting stories. You’re encouraged to be violent on one page, and you’re encouraged to give sacrificial love on another page. You’re encouraged to bash a baby’s head on one page, and there’s other pages that say, you know, give your brother your fair share of everything you have if they ask for it.”

Why do these people remain in the clergy? Well, sometimes they don't. But it's got to be terribly hard to give up the only job you've ever had, the only one you have any experience in or knowledge about. You risk losing your family, your friends, and often enough even your house. Would you like to start over - at the bottom - at 50, especially knowing that you'd likely lose your family and friends, too?

And it's clear that these people enjoy counseling others. They like providing comfort. No doubt, they tell themselves that they do a lot of good, despite the lies. And, well, it's probably nice having people listen to what you say, don't you think? It's a job, and a very good one, in many ways. That would be hard to give up.

From these interviews, it seems that some non-believing clergy don't think that their disbelief is all that important. So what if they don't believe in the mythology? It's just a metaphor, right? And the job gives them a chance to get involved in social issues. In other cases, I think that they just really wanted to believe. And what would be better for that purpose than joining the clergy? I sympathize with all of these people. It can't be easy.

I also see why so many religions try to keep their members - and especially their children - from hearing alternate views. If your faith is strong, then no reasoning, no logic should shake it, right? OK, maybe an ordinary believer might stray, but a clergyman? Their surprise is still evident in these quotes:

“Probably one of the most mind-opening things was listening to all these debates from top people of Christianity; or believers vs. non-believers. And I tried to do the same thing: be open and listen, and use my mind and reason, I guess. And almost undeniably, even being a believer and knowing the Christian claims and scripture, you know what? This guy won in the debate. He’s a non-believer. Why?”

“If God is God, he’s big enough; he can handle any questions I’ve got. Well, he didn’t. He didn’t measure up! And that sounds, you know, so funny, because if I heard somebody else saying that a year ago, I’d have thought, ‘You are such a sacrilegious person. God’s going to strike you dead by lightning or something!’ I’ve actually thought and tried to pin-point, but I can honestly say that intellectually, from within the first few weeks of my studies, I thought, ‘Wow! Could this be true?’

We all want meaning in our lives. We all want pretty much the same kinds of things in general. So I sympathize. It can't be easy when your life turns upside down like this. I never went through that, since I don't remember ever believing (I must have, when I was very little, but I don't remember it, though I clearly remember believing in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny). But I know how hard this must be.