Christopher Titus and get-off-your-ass-idone

Yeah, this is the drug I need, get-off-your-ass-idone! Alcohol just makes me sleepy, and pot makes me hungry. Why would I need them? I can get hungry and sleepy just fine on my own!

But get-off-your-ass-idone? It sounds perfect, don't you think? Of course, there's caffeine, but it doesn't seem to work very well. I mean, I'm drinking coffee right now. And what am I doing? I'm sitting on my ass! At best, coffee just makes me write blog posts.

Admittedly, I could simply... get off my ass. But come on! That's not the American way. If there's not a drug for it, forget it.

I see on YouTube advertisements - over and over and over again - that there's a pill you can take to become smarter. Actually, I just assume that it's a pill. I've never gotten off my ass long enough to check it out. The biggest effort I can seem to make is to click on the "Skip Ad" button...

But I don't need a pill to become smarter. That's not because I'm smart enough already - although my fellow Americans do set a pretty low bar - but because being smart doesn't seem to be particularly advantageous. Oh, sure, being smart is a plus, no doubt, but it's hardly game-changing, is it?

But getting off your ass? Now that's important. Smart or not, if you never get off your ass, you're never going to amount to anything. And despite the advertisements, you really can't do anything about how smart you are. You're stuck with whatever you've got, like it or not.

However, you can change how much you know, and that takes getting off your ass (figuratively, if not literally). Forget about your IQ, and just worry about getting an education - and continuing to learn throughout your life, too.

So, yeah, I'd kill for some get-off-your-ass-idone (assuming that I didn't have to actually... get off my ass to do it, of course). I'm thinking that a triple-shot dose added to my coffee in the morning would be just what I need. So please, someone, invent it.

Not me. I'd have to get off my ass.

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PS. Actually, I suspect that my sister-in-law already takes this drug. But she refuses to tell me the name of her dealer. How mean is that?