Sunday, December 8, 2013

Late night political humor

OK, time for another selection of late-night political humor, compiled by Daniel Kurtzman, mixed with an assortment of political cartoons:

"In Alabama, the Tea Party candidate named Dean Young, who wanted to impeach Obama and compared gay people to animals, he lost to a potty-trained Republican. Boy, that is something for your resume – Dean Young: too ignorant for Alabama." –Bill Maher

"Is it possible that America may be coming to its senses a little? That may be the message from these elections we had on Tuesday because Chris Christie, the big winner, is from the not-nuthouse wing of the party – you know, he's an indoor Republican. And the two batshit Tea Party people lost pretty bad. In Virginia, their candidate for governor, Ken Cuccinelli went down, which is ironic because he was trying to make oral sex illegal. I'm not making that up. He wanted to make abortion impossible, ban gay marriage, and reinstate the sodomy laws against oral and anal sex. Why? Because it's a Republicans' job to get government out of our lives." –Bill Maher

"Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto." –Jay Leno

"They got three feet of fresh powder back East. And that was just in freshman Florida Congressman Trey Radel's office. Radel says he's going into rehab and when he gets out, he wants to be named ambassador to Colombia." –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced that this Thanksgiving they are opening earlier than they ever have. Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims' arrival than buying crap from China." –Conan O'Brien

"The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy." –Jay Leno

"PETA says that today's turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they're dying of heart attacks. I don't want to be insensitive, but that's still better than getting your head chopped off." –Jay Leno

"Are you aware of the turkey shortage? Now the White House has stepped in so people won't panic. They said yes, there's a turkey shortage, but don't worry, it's only a web site problem. They said if you like the turkey you had last year, you can keep the turkey you had last year." –David Letterman

"How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn't ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it's nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do." –David Letterman

"People are talking about how Obama was finally able to get this deal with Iran. What happened was, Obama got tired of trying to fix healthcare and said, 'Give me an easier problem. Iranian nukes! I'm on it. That's much better than what I've been dealing with the past couple of weeks.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann claims that she has lost her healthcare plan. She said, 'I have a husband with very significant health issues.' She said, 'At some points we're going to have to figure it out.' Girlfriend, there's a lot about your husband you're going to have to figure out. Healthcare is the last of your worries." –Bill Maher

"For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it's incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane." –Bill Maher

"Obamacare was trying to protect these people who are being ripped off by insurance companies. But, yesterday, Obama said, 'Okay, you know what? You want your shitty, crummy plans? You can have them!' You want your policy where you go in for an operation and you're covered for when they cut you open, but not when they sew you up? Fine, children, have your broken piece of glass that you want to play with!'" –Bill Maher

"And one reason he had to do this was that Bill Clinton opened his big fat vegan mouth, and said Obama should let people keep their crappy insurance, even if screwed up the whole system. You know what? If you're a Democrat, the Clintons are a pre-existing condition." –Bill Maher

"That is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. When Republicans shut down the government, it's on purpose." –Bill Maher

"The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during your flight." –Jay Leno

"There are ways to make air travel much, much worse. I think it's fine if people want to make calls from the plane, but I think they should have to step outside to do it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The drones will allow Amazon to make deliveries in 30 minutes or less, or we will be on the phone with a customer service rep saying, where is the drone? I ordered this thing an hour ago! Hopefully they can attach pizzas to this." –Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading." –Conan O'Brien

"This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike, a true story. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What? What did you say?" –Conan O'Brien

"A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free." ––Conan O'Brien

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