Automatics for the people

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Automatics for the People - Ilya Shapiro & Jackie Hilly<a>
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election Fox News

What's with this gun worship these days? Do you understand it? I certainly don't. It's not just a weapon, a tool, a possession, it's become a holy relic. You can't be parted from your gun, even for an instant. Nothing else seems to be as important as the almighty gun.

Is it just insecurity, timidity, cowardice? Are gun owners so easily scared that they can't bear to be unarmed? Or is it more a symbol of manliness, of potency. I've often heard it called a penis substitute. Is it that in truth? Do gun nuts feel emasculated without their steel penis?

Clearly, it's more than just a weapon. You can defend yourself with a knife or a steel pipe, but no one treats those objects as divine. The thought of leaving your knife at home won't make you hysterical. You don't insist on carrying a baseball bat with you everywhere you go. Almost anything can be used as a weapon, but nothing else has this effect on people. Why not?

And what's the point? If you enjoy hunting (I used to hunt, myself), I'm sure you'd hate to give up your gun. But do you really need a fully-automatic assault rifle and cop-killer bullets to hunt rabbits? No one has ever been talking about banning legitimate hunting weapons. And even then, it's just entertainment. I didn't get hysterical at the thought of giving up my binoculars, back when I was an avid birder. What's the difference? Binoculars weren't gifts from Jesus?

And you can't be dumb enough to think that you could hold off the U.S. army - or any army - with your beloved pistol, can you? Or even your submachine gun? Do you really think that your gun is keeping the government from attacking? Why is it essential that you can carry a gun everywhere - in church, in bars, in schools? This kind of obsession just seems really weird, don't you think?

Yes, there's the Second Amendment, which talks about a "well regulated militia." But what part of a private citizen carrying a gun in church or in school has anything to do with that? OK, sure, according to the right-wing, God gave us guns, and apparently it's part of their faith to never be parted again. But the government is supposed to be neutral when it comes to religion. And that seems to have nothing to do with a militia, well regulated or not.

Note that the First Amendment says, in part, "Congress shall make no law... abridging the freedom of speech." But despite this, freedom of speech still isn't absolute. Libel is still illegal. Treason is still against the law. You still can't falsely yell "fire!" in a crowded theater. Despite the First Amendment, there are reasonable laws limiting our freedom of speech. And none of that is controversial at all.

But when it comes to the Second Amendment, the slightest, most reasonable, most sensible restrictions are rejected with horror. No, you've absolutely got to be able to carry your automatic weapon to political rallies, right? Leave your bazooka at home when attending church? How could you? And if you can't carry your flamethrower into your child's elementary school, well, there's no telling what might happen!

As far as I can tell, the left has nearly given up on this issue. (Certainly, politicians have!) Legal experts used to argue that the Second Amendment applied to militias - the National Guard - not individuals. They used to claim that weapons of mass destruction - like machine guns and assault rifles - could still be regulated. Like the First Amendment, the Second also could have reasonable restrictions. But I hardly ever hear anyone arguing those things these days. The loonies seem to have won.

OK, then, I'll be happy as soon as I get my pocket nuke. Don't worry, I just want a nuclear bomb for hunting purposes and personal protection. If everyone had a nuke of their own, people would be a lot more polite, I'll bet. My neighbor probably wouldn't let his dogs bark so much. I wouldn't be flipped off on the highway, and fewer people would argue in bars. Never more than once, at any rate.

And why not? Nuclear bombs don't kill people; people kill people. And if you outlaw nukes, only outlaws will have nukes. Don't worry, though. I'm not interested in taking my pocket nuke to church.