Dear Congressman Kingston:
Thank you for your courageous stand against Obamacare and in support of the government shutdown. Your bold act of statesmanship has given me an idea that I hope you'll agree to help with.
Like you, I'm sure, I am profoundly disappointed that the Atlanta Braves lost the NLDS [National League Division Series] last night. And to the Dodgers - a bunch of California liberals!
This outrage cannot be allowed to stand. But the system has failed us. We tried to resolve this issue through traditional means: In last night's game alone, we must have sent batters to the plate at least 40 times. But just because we couldn't score enough runs, the Dodgers refuse to relinquish the title - and worse, they won't even discuss it.
LA's stubborn refusal to even talk to us about reversing the results of this series is un-sportsmanlike and un-American. But there is an answer: If the Dodgers won't listen to the cries of average Americans like you and me, then Congress should outlaw Major League Baseball until the Dodgers cave.
I understand this solution may sound unconventional. But we can no longer afford to play baseball as usual. This issue is too important. Americans - by which I mean Braves fans like me - overwhelmingly oppose a Dodgers win. Allowing them to impose their left-coast values on our post-season play is ruining America. And my fantasy team.
I know that some in the greater fan community and in the sportscasting elite may say that shutting down all of baseball is too drastic a step. That if this kind of hostage-taking is allowed to succeed, baseball as we know it will cease to function - that next time it will be the Dodgers demanding the pennant. That before long we'll see the Mets shutting down the league unless they get a Super Bowl ring, or the Diamondbacks halting play unless they win the Stanley Cup. But you and I know that's just a bunch of California double-speak.
Just because the Dodgers had more hits, scored more runs, and won more games doesn't make them right. You can help them see that. And if that means the country will be deprived of its national pastime - well, the Dodgers will have only themselves to blame.
Help us avoid the Dodger's cynical shutdown of Major League Baseball. Bring the National League pennant home to Atlanta today.
Great, isn't it? It's getting a lot of attention, so maybe it will help make these things clearer to the many Americans who don't pay enough attention to politics (and so tend to be easily buffaloed by the GOP).