Friday, February 10, 2012

CPAC guide to scoring a hot date


From Ilya Gerner at Indecision Forever:
Is that a lawfully-concealed handgun or is he just happy to see you? Trick question! The answer is YES, because it's time again for the Conservative Political Action Conference, creepily described by one longtime participant as "the bacchanal…when many young Republicans lose their virginity."

This year's conference promised even more awkward hilarity than usual thanks to a panel, hosted by pickup artist Wayne Elise (the "Juggler"), promising to teach horny young conservatives how to "avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation" and get the girl who has all the radiance of a non-efficient incandescent light bulb. Babes, let's caucus
On dates, "try to outlaw questions," Elise said, prompting some quizzical looks from participants. "Say 'I'm not going to do any questions, I'm going to make statements.' Why? Because statements say something about you."

Sample statements: "You're the same height as my wife."

"If you ever tell anybody about this, I'll say you're lying."

"I have a wide stance."
"When you walk up and you’re talking to the cute girl in a group don't just talk to the girl. Bring other people in." In a related tactic, should you see a hot girl in a bar do not approach — instead befriend a less attractive group and then recruit them to help you seduce her.

I believe this is the "open" approach to relationships we've heard too much about lately. But how to get from talking to showing her your long form?
One tip, he noted, was to introduce sensuality into early conversations with girls…to keep from falling into the platonic zone with your target.

Fair enough, but don't forget to bring your sweater vest for protection and remember: it's not the size of your superPAC, it's how you use it — just ask Rick Perry.

Why, oh, why are Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert off this week? It's CPAC - comedic gold!

It started off with Sen. Jim DeMint explaining why compromise is the enemy. You see, Republicans don't share any goals with the Democrats. After all, government isn't about America, right? It's only about winning. Kind of like their approach to sexual relationships, isn't it?

Then they've got Herman Cain endorsing Joe the Plumber for Congress, while warning that the "stupid people and ignorant people are ruining America." Heh, heh. Hilarious, isn't it?

And that's just the first day!


Jeff said...

Creepy lot, aren't they?

There's something about them that makes me go all Emperor Palpatine from "Star Wars."

Just that "how-to-pick-up-chicks" article alone almost feels like the opera house scene from "Revenge Of The Sith:"

"The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural"...

Anakin: "Is it possible to learn this power?"
Palpatine (looks at Anakin menacingly): "Not from a Jedi"...

Getting deadly serious here. Did you catch Cal Thomas's comments about Rachel Maddow in his CPAC speech?

After years of listening to the ring-wing's psychotic hatred of liberals, a dark thought has been festering in the unlit alleys of my mind:

Is it possible that somewhere, deep within the bowels of one of those right-wing "think tanks," someone has concocted a "final solution to the liberal problem?"

Note to the conspiracy freaks: maybe that's why "the guv'mint" is building them thar "FEMA camps?"

The Right just can't wait for either Gingrich or Santorum to win the election so they can "execute Order 66."

As George Carlin would say, "these are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools."

WCG said...

Yes, I saw that comment about Rachel Maddow, Jeff. I tried to work it into this post, but I couldn't. For one thing, it was hard for me to laugh at it. Yeah, it's crazy, but it's really not very funny.

When you think about the right's opposition to birth control, it's just insane. Is that how they think about it, not as rational family planning, but as a way to keep certain people from being born? Talk about creepy!

I don't know. Maybe I'll find the ambition to blog about it. But I'm hoping that someone else will pick up on that, Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert or even the Young Turks.

Thanks for the comment! I must admit that I never saw Revenge of the Sith. The first three Star Wars movies were sufficient, for me. I hope I didn't miss anything like this.

Jeff said...

No, there were no women in metals bikinis in "Revenge Of The Sith." Just 2-plus hours of George Lucas's muddled dialogue to finally get to see Anakin become extra-crispy, then turn into the black-caped heavy breather.

This is the scene I'm talking about.

It's actually a critical moment in the whole saga. It's where Palpatine really starts to sink his hooks into Anakin, drawing him toward the Dark Side by exploiting Anakin's fear of Padme dying. John Williams did an excellent job with the creepy music in the background.

I'm thinking if the CPAC Conference were to have a soundtrack, it might sound like this:

WCG said...

Hmm,... I guess it's a good thing I skipped it, then. The first trilogy was dumb, but fun. I think they started to take the whole thing too seriously.

Kind of like CPAC, in fact. The pratfalls are still funny, but long diatribes to ominous music just make the whole thing pathetic.