NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – With the public’s attention focused on the death of Osama bin Laden, billionaire Donald Trump huddled with advisors for the second straight day to try to decide what stupid shit to say next.
“The bin Laden thing has definitely stolen the headlines from Donald,” said close associate and advisor Tracy Klugian. “The only way he can grab them back is by doing what he does best: saying something really fucked up.”
Trump’s two-day hiatus from spewing messed up shit is the longest on record, experts say, adding to the pressure on the billionaire to break his silence with something truly craptastic.
To that end, he has closeted himself with a circle of advisors including the Rev. Pat Robertson, former NBA star Charles Barkley, and the former voice of the Aflac duck, Gilbert Gottfried.
Mr. Trump has drawn up a short list of verbal turds that have potential, including attacking President Obama for overdue library books during his grade school years, but so far he has failed to come up with a comment that is both objectionable and ill informed enough to meet his high standards.
“People don’t know how much work goes into saying the stupid shit Donald says,” Mr. Klugian said. “He just makes it look easy.”
What We're Watching: March 19, 2018 - Happy Monday. Here’s what we have our eyes on today. Read More →
4 hours ago